whatcha whatcha whatcha want whatcha want

I want a lot of things. Mostly intangibles. I want to feel free, I want to see the world, I want to be a good camper and leave the place a little better than I found it. I want to develop my ability to listen well, and to empathize while maintaining my sense of perspective.

I realized recently that I began my life as a singlemindedly goal-oriented person, but have been living for the past few years as if I’m not that. I have no endgame. This chafes, however, because my mind continues to urge me to set goals and achieve them, and then do it again—running races being an obvious example.

I also find myself very comfortable with the not-very-functional balance of independence/dependence in my life. Or, to put it another way, I find myself deeply frightened of relying on others more or less than I currently do, because I imagine that doing that sets me up for the pendulum swing in the other direction—they leave, or I drive them away by rejecting their involvement in my life, and I find myself wanting but having no one to provide what I want. Which happens in small ways currently (as I imagine it does to most people), but of course I project that it could be MORE painful in the future.

I want love and comfort and snuggles, but only when I feel like it. And I want to be left alone, again, when I feel like it. I want the people I love to know without the slightest doubt that I cherish them and would take a bullet for them and never regret it. I think it all boils down to wanting a life free of fear. I want to feel as if I have nothing to fear—not lack of support, not sudden destitution, not evil diseases attacking people with no warning. But since fear is a feeling, can I simply choose not to feel it? I have been called fearless before, and it is flattering but untrue. I fear and I want in an endless loop, but perhaps that is all the balance I can hope to achieve.